Attending church was customary in my childhood, with Sundays reserved for worship and my bedtime involving brief prayers alongside my parents. Although I was aware of Jesus' existence, my understanding of what it truly meant to have a personal relationship with Him was limited, especially given my young age. Not knowing Jesus personally made it hard for me to pray and grasp what church was all about. 

I knew that Jesus was Lord but did not know him personally. While writing this piece, I got an image in prayer of myself among the swarms of people listening to Jesus preach during his time on earth. In my childhood, I was like one among the crowds, realizing Jesus was Lord, but only knowing him from a distance. 

At my grade seven retreat before Confirmation, I heard testimonies from the youth ministry leaders about their relationship with Jesus. I was captivated and wanted God in my life. I longed to have the same joy that they possessed. I knew that I couldn’t find that anywhere else than with Jesus. 

When I got confirmed, I started to take my spiritual connection more seriously. I thought that meant longer and more consistent prayer sessions.

It felt more earnest compared to my quick prayers before bedtime because I was making a conscious effort to pray. But in reflection, they were still ritualistic, and I was spewing fancy words I heard in church. I didn’t know how to talk to Jesus like a friend. 

Despite my best efforts to maintain consistency in prayer, I often found myself disheartened by periods of spiritual dryness. At that time, my prayers were brief, mainly consisting of reciting "Our Father" and occasionally writing entries in my prayer journal. When hearing people’s testimonies of their encounters with God, they tended to be emotional experiences. I didn’t feel any warm fuzzy feelings when praying and this made me feel like God wasn’t listening. I began to learn that faith required believing without necessarily feeling anything in return through this experience of spiritual dryness. 

I gradually grew closer to God over time by persevering in my faith. I was still learning more about Him at church and I joined my parish’s youth ministry after being Confirmed. My older siblings and cousins made great friends there and I felt encouraged to follow in their footsteps. Through the testimonies shared in youth ministry at various events, I discovered the concept of Jesus being a personal friend. I can’t remember exactly what the youth leaders shared, but I remember yearning for a relationship with God like theirs—one that was joyful, adventurous, and easygoing. 

Hearing how others prayed, I learned to approach Jesus in prayer as I would a close companion. This led me to engage in conversations with God throughout my day, treating Him as a friend. I talked to Him when walking home from school, I asked Him for help to focus while studying, and I thanked him for all he did for me throughout the day before I went to sleep. Actively choosing to prioritize Jesus in my life, I made a conscious effort to pray each night with genuine attention and intention rather than mindlessly reciting prayers. Jesus was no longer a distant preacher or historical figure in my life. I got closer to Jesus by praying to him as a friend. 

My faith was still growing, and I struggled to hear God’s voice. All I knew was how to talk. 

A couple of years ago, my family was challenged by the separation of two of my siblings from their spouses. The stress, heartbreak, and hardship were felt by each family member. 

When I cried out to Jesus in these times, I could not hear him, and this made me feel abandoned and alone. I didn’t realize that this hurt I felt created a large barrier of trust in my relationship with God. I had adopted the notion that God loved other people but not me personally. As much as I had grown to know God more, I still had difficulty believing this. However, I still had doubts and lies whispered to me by the evil one. 

Over the past two years, I began to extend my prayer sessions, following the suggestion of a trusted friend. I shifted to praying in the morning to prevent myself from dozing off during prayer. Utilizing resources such as Hallow and engaging in daily Gospel reflections aided me in maintaining focus and envisioning myself having conversations with Jesus. Lately, I have found that praying with scripture, underlining significant words, and reflecting on them have assisted me in discerning God's voice. 

About half a year ago, I identified that the abandonment I felt from God in the past was still affecting my relationship with Him.

I realized that it prevented me from trusting God with the deep wounds in my life because I was scared of feeling abandoned again. I could not surrender my fears to Jesus because I felt that I could not trust Him. 

I knew I needed to do something, so I headed to Amazon and searched for books to heal my spiritual wounds. I found a book called Abide, recognized the author, and it was sent to my house a few days later. The book challenged me to revisit that place of hurt and ask to see it through God’s eyes. I closed my eyes and imagined myself crying in my room alone two years ago, praying for Jesus to console my broken heart. I then saw Jesus sitting beside me on my bed, listening, his face empathetic to my sorrow. He put his hand on my shoulder. I was moved to tears when I understood that God was with me when I thought I was all alone. This image I received in prayer helped me reframe my relationship with Jesus: He is always with me, even if I do not believe he is. 

I have come to know Jesus better and recognize his presence in my life. When I doubt he is listening, I remember that image I received of him sitting beside me and feeling my pain with me. Jesus is not just my friend, he is my God, my teacher, and my helper. 

Just like any relationship, the stronger the foundation in genuine love and trust, it has helped me to persevere in times of spiritual dryness because now I know that God is always with me. Removing the barrier of woundedness has allowed me to trust God more fully in every aspect of my life. I’m still learning to be still and listen for God’s voice in prayer, but this shift in my perception of Jesus has helped me to draw closer and closer to him every day.